That’s so shady

7 Mar

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I cannot stand sunglasses! They keep getting darker than Atlanta and Basketball. I mean, if I wanted to look blind, I’d’ve asked Stevie Wonder for tips. Did you know, though, that sunglasses were originally created to hide a judge’s reactions? Geezenheimers, those glasses must have been larger than a pregnant American.

I just don’t understand why people wear them so much even when it’s entirely redundant. If you want to look like that kid that sees dead people and does some of the cheap stuff (sniff, sniff), then I won’t judge. You most probably have a knife. I don’t think people that wear shades ceaselessly, even when it’s darker than Akon, should even consider going on “Are you dumber than a 5th grader?”.

My biased opinion is that only obnoxious people with no initiative of their own wear sunglasses. And now that the season for cancer and cheap tans is heer, I see this more than I’m happy to. Maybe I’m just being an intolerable cynicist?

Forever the misanthropist,

Goodierm Moi Mentil Mind.

I furred all about it

28 Feb

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Some people don’t like the fact that they can wear a newborn animal’s arse on their shoulders, and then you get people like me that would carry foetuses in their schoolbag (I joke). Fur is a trend that has hit designers and forest critters harder than a wrecking ball to the nuts. I try to rationalize fur clothing by saying that the animals would’ve died from toxic water mutations or a speeding car. But now they’ve been afforded the privilege of adorning my shoulders. I prefer wearing clothes that have as little fur as possible without looking like that cheap boyfriend that takes his dates to McDonald’s. Because, let’s face it, despite how wealthy you may look, at the end of the day you are sweating more than a black man in court.

I’m sure that I cant be the only one.

Goodier, Moi Mentil MInd.

Hair we go again.

8 Feb

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Hoobligano Pepsis! We have a new foreign exchange student in our class and every one of the girls is falling for him like fat children for candy (traitors!). He’s German, so I’m a tad too scared to talk to him, just in case he tells the Gestapo about me. It’ll be Anne Frank all over again – African Style. (Take shelter in the mud hut! Bring your cleanest loincloths.)

But onto more interesting and less life-threatening news: hair. Everyone is soooo obssessed with their hair nowadays. From the girls of Christian Club (Cross-Connection. Such a pun!), who make-up themselves, a.k.a. make themselves look like Ukrainian ladies of negotiable affection, and wearing skirts shorter than a hamster’s lifespan, right before going to meet Jesus.

One of my friends, against all odds, turned out to be a member and insisted on me attending a meeting.

“It’s Heaven on Earth,” she said.

“That’s what all rapists say,” I replied.

To the boys that play rugby and take steroids like they’re going out of fashion or Miley Cyrus is doing it.

And then there are those precious few that should send complaints to Yahweh Corporations, because they just didn’t get good hair genes. For example, I saw this one boy at school who’s hair looked like a hermaphrodite chicken withe hepatitis B! I kid thee not. But the question I find myself asking is, “Why is everyone so obsessed with their hair? I mean, they’re all as bald as a CLEAN chicken’s egg by 30, anyway.

I’m not obsessed with my hair, because my mother makes me chop it off every few months. The kids at school then use my head as a bongo drum until the hair grows back. But when it does grow back they say it looks like pubic hair and feels like a sponge. Sigh, just another reason to take terrorist lessons.

 

Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind.

What’s that smell?

29 Nov

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Hoobligano Pepsis! I can finally let my Maths teacher out of the storage closet. Poor thing had nothing to eat but gummy worms and flint. On the flip side, she can now fit through the door…The school year is officially (thank Jésüs) over! Now i can throw eggs and vinegar at pedestrians without risking suspension, or even worse…community service (Oh, the horror!)! P.S. I will not be held accountable for any arrests and lawsuits due to vandalism and sheer stupidity.

Onto more legal news, I don’t think you’ve noticed by my 2000 bottles or the heavy breathing you hear in the fragrance section, but I L.O.V.E cologne! They smell better than most of the people I know (maybe even look better). I dont know where this obsession stems from (hopefully it’s not a French brothel that I sleepwalked to…somehow…over the oceans…). But I think that no person is ever complete without a bottle of their own. And not that cheap spray stuff that stings much more than a bad case of Chlamydia and leaves strange white spots. I’m talking about the real makoy!

A lot of people say that your natural scent is better than any fragrance that the world could throw at you. And that is true. If you live in Floral-Tobacco-Smell Land, which I do not. But maybe your views contradict mine. Fragrance: is it as delightful as the day your cousin brings the clothes he “borrowed” from your closet back? Or is it worse than the stench of a football player whom you’re probably too afraid to tell due to the fact that you would like to go to school in a pair of Vuittons, not a full-body cast?

Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind

Candied Balls

3 Nov

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Hoobligano Pepsis! The spirit of Halloween is spreading faster than herpes here. We’re bombarded by random weirdos coming up to us demanding candy! We’re the Jehovah’s Witnesses not enough? At school I was one of the few that didn’t dress up for the ‘holiday’ and people looked at me like I was walking around nude with an ‘AIDS’ sign pointing to my genitals. Everywhere I went, I’d see traces of Halloween: from from the street to church!

One of my was lucky (as if) enough to be born upon Halloween, and, stranger than fiction, I forgot that it was his birthday. That’s like forgetting why I got so obese (I swear it was McDonalds!). So I sent to him a text, declaring my apology with high hopes and just as I thought he was to reply, my battery died. I avoided him like a yeast infection and prayed he would fail to notice me. But, like the suggestions we make to government, it went by unnoticed. As a result, i ran faster than a Zimbabwean over the border, into class. Whomever thought I’d be running from a somebody named Jam Jar? But considering that his arms are bigger than my thighs, I’d have to be limited mentally not to.

Then I remembered that we’d been friends since far before I knew FHM did not mean Fat Hairy Mexicans and that he wasn’t a complete brute. Only on Saturdays. My lack of common sense due to the unbearable heat had me confront him and lo and behold, he shot me down with a bazooka. I mean, he forgave me. Happy belated birthday, Jahrod Erasmus! I hope you never, conveniently, get run over by ten trucks while crossing the road.

But until next time,

Yours, from an asylum, Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind…

Black Friday

1 Nov

Hoobligano Pepsis! I’ve noticed, as of late, that movies are lacking something. No,it’s not dish washers or cleaning ladies. I think we all know what it is. Or should I say…what they are? I don’t know, pick whichever works for you. But I have this nagging feeling that movies in Hollywood are lacking black people.

We have about four black people: Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington and…whomever else is there. But what is the reason for this lack of dark chocolate? Who knows? Not Cadbury.

We always watch these movies where Tom Whatshisface is a clone and saves burger patties or whatever and In the End, everyone loves him for killing someone else. And the dark skinned person tends to be the beggar or overgrown Behemoth with a heart of gold (Lead PAINTED gold), like The Rock. Do they give them lackluster roles because they’re bad, if not terrible, actors, or is it because they’re afraid to have their satellite cables stolen? Who knows? Not Bourneville.

And when they do get roles, preferably leads, it’s often in those Gospel movies that only black people and black wannabes watch. Those movies where everything is over the top and the churches are more riotous than teenage raves! Do the other skin colors consider black people a threat? What’s the reason for this segregation? Who knows? Not Lindt.

If they are considered threats, then why do so many fair skinned people try to act like them? I mean, why else would they wear their trousers below flat butts (I have one, too), use such unflattering language, chain smoke…only black people, teens and idiots do those sorts of things! And this twerking. It’s some huge scandal now that Miley Cyrus is doing it, but Nicki Minaj was doing it way before the Disney star even thought to. Why did it truly become such a huge thing? Conspiracy 1)Because we thought she was clean. Conspiracy 2)Because it’s black!!! But who knows? Not Nestle.

But I’ve strayed off the path. Why do you think this is happening?

For now, Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind.
P.S. If you love me, buy me Lindt.

Sandalous

13 Oct

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Hoobligano Pepsis! I don’t get what the deal is with people and sandals. They’re a-maze-balls! I mean, it’s not as if midgets will chew/suck/gum on your toes or anything…right? Sure, you can’t tell which sex your sandals should be worn by, but that’s part of the fun (cross-dresser!).

I, myself, adore sandals! From the frivolous flip-flops that show off my renegade toe, to the Jesus sandals that fill me with shame and dread that anyone will see me wearing them. And, they’re more comfortable than heeled boots that leave us more paralyzed than a day spent on an overstuffed couch with an exciting array of snacks. Man, broke people have it good.

Purchasing a pair of sandals may be more embarrassing than buying a sex toy or any related object, though the ramifications of wearing these mostly hideous-pong-releasers average looking shoes are gratifying. And, you can console yourself about their appearance by saying that they look better than most people’s husbands, especially on Monday mornings.

But one thing I cannot stand is socks and sandals (scream heard in distance)!! I abhor it! It’s like cooking with lard, butter and a cup of olive oil to jazz it up, or drinking honeybush tea with a dollop of honey whilst watching Honey 2!!!!!! But I leave it to you to decide what’s wong and what’s right. Still, I cant be the only one, right? They’ve played on our emotions and avoided paparazzi for far too long!

Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind.

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