There once was a girl named Swi-Ming Pul

31 Oct

Swi ming

It turns out there actually is a girl named Swi-Ming Pul. First of all, she actually isn’t Asian, which was more of a shocker than a pop star wearing clothes. And secondly, she sounds like one of those oil spill cases (something spilled, but it definitely wasn’t oil…)

But onto more interesting news, I am facing one of the toughest times in my short life. Never has such hardship come my way. It’s so painful, I can’t bring myself to say it. But since I love my readership so much, I’ll do it anyway: we have an assessment for PT.

I know, it sounds worse than it actually is. What we have to do is doggy style paddle and freestyle in the pool. Well, yesterday, most of the girls didn’t bring their swimming costumes as well as some of the girls. All the girls claimed to be having their periods and some even offered to wipe their vaginas to prove their point. Our (fat) P.T. teacher had the audacity to ask if I was having my period as well. (the nerve)

I said no, of course, which prompted one of the other girls to ask why I wasn’t swimming then. So I said, “The fact that I’m black is excuse enough.”

For the rest of the period (haha), I sat next to Tare-Bear discussing how unfair it was that we were going to get marked more harshly than those that swam (the girls because of their periods, me because…just because). First of all, I go to school to learn and become a desk jockey, so what do I need health and fitness for? Secondly, we thought that you had to wear speedoes or a one-piece (depending on the form of your privates), but apparently that’s not true. So I said that I would be coming in burka next week. But if I wear one, I might even consider wearing it in public as a Halloween costume (as if!). I’d probably get skiff looks from everyone, especially the grannies. It seems everybody has Muslims pegged for terrorists. But to be fair, people everywhere have Muslims pegged for terrorists. And, as my priest once said, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.”

That’s coming from a (possibly paedophilic) man of God, so you know it’s true.

Stay on look out for the next post

Goodier,

Moi Mentil Mind.

Y’all ackin’ pray pray!

1 Aug

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Hoobligano Pepsis! School’s open again and as some of you may know (I don’t know how), I joined the Debating Society. Whoop! I can safely say that I won’t end up in an abusive relationship. Unless I’m the one who gets abused…jeepers, ABSTINENCE!

But anyway, one topic we debated was whether or not prayer should be part of assembly; particularly prayer in any language other than Ghetto, Teenaged Girl or the Queen’s English. don’t think it shoulD, because I don’t understand what they’re saying, for one. We might have someone who speaks in “tongues” go up and pray (Let’s call her Imara Pist) and we’ll think, “Oh, wow! We’re encouraging spiritual development in teens! Take that Pakistan.”

But dear Imara isn’t all she seems. Oh she speaks in tongues, all right. Parseltongue.

Or we could have someone go up to pray in “Turkish/ Turkic” or “Bangladeshian/ Bangladeshi” (Kardashians) and think that we’re going to leave assembly feeling invigorated and overtaken by the Holy Spirit. And you can bet that we’ll be overtaken by spirits alrighty. We sit there thinking she’s saying, “In Jesus’ name, Amen.” When she’s really saying, “I pray to the demons of the abyss!” (crosses self) I can just imagine everyone in assembly with rotating heads and projectile vomit. At least it keeps the grounds staff busy.

But are we going to completely disregard they fact that it’s a violation of other people’s rights? We live in a democracy (sorry North Korea) where everyone is free to do what they want (within reason). So what if I joined a religion that says that I’ll go to Heck if I listen to other people pray? This is giving me a headache. But until next time,

Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind.

p.s. Sue at risk of public degradation.

Tweeter Twits

24 May

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I was on Twitter for the first time in over a year yesterday doing what Twitter was meant for: making fun of other people’s tweets. And I stumbled upon (ha,ha!) a tweet by one of my close friends that said, “Texting people over social media, without emotion, is like cupcakes without icing.”

Profound words to which I replied, “You mean muffins?”

But my poor classmate isn’t the only one. Have you ever come across an account with a famous name that tweets things you wouldn’t associate that name with? I saw this one account called The Little Mermaid that tweeted, “Dear girls, if your boyfriend is doing this, then he is definitely cheating on you.” And she was nice enough to give a link to the death of my PC.

And I replied, “Why is the little mermaid talking about this?” (WHY???)

And don’t you just hate those people whose accounts are just a thousand retweets from bigger accounts and they end up with millions of followers? Like (aren’t I on a roll today?), there was this on tweet that went viral, “Goals? dm.”

“Those things you score in soccer,” I said. Sometimes I wonder about the education system…

What have your Adventures in Tweeterland been like? Share your experiences!

Goodier, Moi mentil Mind

Chronicles of Spiderwick (er)

18 May

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High School is, unexpectedly, is fun! All that extra homework, those hateful teachers that would love nothing more than to build a strip club on your grave, backstabbing, heartless schoolmates…aah! Nothing could be better. I was discussing the red velvet hot chocolate I had to drink on one Sunday with one of the few bright souls in my accounting class. “It looks like menstruation, but it tastes great!” I exclaimed.

But onto more sightly news, I’ve found my soulmate (at least for this week)! Wicker hats have quickly become an obsession that rivals cocaine. Of course some people have the affinity to make wicker hats look cheaper than a Chinese prostitute. But when done properly, I think they’re the most attractive (and least threatening) hard thing to go anywhere near your face.

Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind.

Glove Love

10 May

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Iv’e been so bored lately, that I started singing ‘how do you solve a problem like Maria’ in bed. Not my best moment . My new English teacher, though young and sometimes fun, is more terrifying than salad fingers and a world without brownies. And speaking of brownies, guess what happened? I was walking through the school hallways, all unsuspecting and peppy like every other non-alcoholic teenager (an endangered species) and then WHAM! I run into this girl who was carrying a plate of brownies! Never have I been so embarrassed.

But onto more fashionable news, Winter has begun to set in and I feel like I’ve been showing more skin than a hairless cat. So, to continue with that trend, and invite pneumonia over to My Body for tea, I’ve compiled images of barely helpful (retarded) yet comely gloves to wear in winter.

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Clothes can’t be that expensive…

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My exorcism gloves

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I can feel the flu raping my immune system already!

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Geezenheimers, times are tough…

 

Goodier, Moi Mentil Mind.

That’s so shady

7 Mar

glaases

I cannot stand sunglasses! They keep getting darker than Atlanta and Basketball. I mean, if I wanted to look blind, I’d’ve asked Stevie Wonder for tips. Did you know, though, that sunglasses were originally created to hide a judge’s reactions? Geezenheimers, those glasses must have been larger than a pregnant American.

I just don’t understand why people wear them so much even when it’s entirely redundant. If you want to look like that kid that sees dead people and does some of the cheap stuff (sniff, sniff), then I won’t judge. You most probably have a knife. I don’t think people that wear shades ceaselessly, even when it’s darker than Akon, should even consider going on “Are you dumber than a 5th grader?”.

My biased opinion is that only obnoxious people with no initiative of their own wear sunglasses. And now that the season for cancer and cheap tans is heer, I see this more than I’m happy to. Maybe I’m just being an intolerable cynicist?

Forever the misanthropist,

Goodierm Moi Mentil Mind.

I furred all about it

28 Feb

coats

Some people don’t like the fact that they can wear a newborn animal’s arse on their shoulders, and then you get people like me that would carry foetuses in their schoolbag (I joke). Fur is a trend that has hit designers and forest critters harder than a wrecking ball to the nuts. I try to rationalize fur clothing by saying that the animals would’ve died from toxic water mutations or a speeding car. But now they’ve been afforded the privilege of adorning my shoulders. I prefer wearing clothes that have as little fur as possible without looking like that cheap boyfriend that takes his dates to McDonald’s. Because, let’s face it, despite how wealthy you may look, at the end of the day you are sweating more than a black man in court.

I’m sure that I cant be the only one.

Goodier, Moi Mentil MInd.

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